I did not imagine as a little girl or plan my life as an adult to be married to a sex addict. I was not looking for or in need of such stress. I grew up in a Christian home, had been in church my whole life and was not the least bit familiar with sex addiction. I knew what “Playboy” was and had even seen some copies on a table at a home where I babysat as a young teen, but that was about the extinct of my knowledge of pornography.
I can tell you that I have now had a much greater education on pornography and sex addiction. I know firsthand the pain, shame, despair and devastation pornography can have on a marriage and on a life personally.
I am no expert on sex addiction. I do not have a degree in counseling, psychology, or psychiatry. I do not have all the answers to sex addiction. What I do have, is a twenty-year journey with my husband before things began to change. I have years of watching him in therapy, groups and eventually training so that he could become sober from this addiction. I also have those same years of my own personal pain, fears, loneliness, insecurities, disgust, shame, and anger with my husband and God, anger with myself, and tons of self-doubt. Those twenty years taught me so much about grace, my own sinfulness, love for another, especially in difficult situations, forgiveness and truly believing what God says about me.
This blog is a way for me to express my journey with a sex addict. A place where I can hopefully encourage other women going through the same thing. A place to give God the glory for the way He has given new hope in a broken marriage. A place to write about two people that were very young, immature, confused and completely misguided by family, friends and sometimes the church. God never gave up on us, even when others may have, and especially in those times when all seemed hopeless to me (probably my husband, too).
My prayer is that as you read my words you will not feel alone. That you will know someone else understands and gets it. That you are not crazy or paranoid. That you do matter. Most of all, this is not what God had in mind when He created marriage. He loves you so much and He hurts when you are hurting. God wants us as women and wives to be loved, honored, respected, heard and cherished.
God – I pray for any woman that begins reading this to know that she is loved and that she is not alone. I pray for wisdom for her to be able to see what she does not yet see and courage to bring it into the light. Grant a sense of peace in her heart because You love her so deeply and want so much more for her. Help my words to be an encouragement and a voice of hope in the fear and loneliness. Thank You, God.